


Patriotic

by savant (teii)



Category: Deadpool (Comics), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Family, Fluff, M/M, Marvel Now!, slight gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-08
Updated: 2013-02-12
Packaged: 2017-11-20 15:13:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/586752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teii/pseuds/savant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve really isn't feeling up for punching dead, zombified presidents, so Phil finds a way for him to get out of it, namely bringing in one Wade Wilson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is incredibly self-indulgent, but I really wanted to write a Capsicoul family fic. SO YES: pseudo-Shieldfamily, go! A re-imagining of Marvel Now Deadpool Vol 1. Wade is 20 in this fic, while Phil is 39 and Steve 103. And yes, the premise of the series really is Deadpool fighting zombie presidents.

"Coulson."

Phil immediately rises to his feet, watching as Steve come striding into his office with the same purposeful gait as always, but the angle of his shoulders and the way he hangs his head and glowers at the floor alerts Coulson that something is off.

"Captain," Phil replies, making his way around the desk, quietly touching Steve's arm.

"I--" Steve starts, carding a hand through his hair, clearly troubled. Coulson closes his office door before coming back to let his hand drift to Steve's back, tracing the spine with his fingertips. Steve places his hands on his lover's hips, dropping his head onto the shorter man's shoulder. The agent can feel Steve still thrumming with nervous energy, the hands on his hips skittering along his hip bones and tugging on his suit jacket. He lets Steve take his time, but mentally flickers through the mission files for the day, trying to remember what Steve was sent off to do that was so troubling.

"I might have-- really wasn't thinking clearly--"

"Dad! Dad! Dad! Da-!" Both men look up as a the door rattled with a loud THUNK and the handle jiggled aggressively for a few seconds before admitting one Wade Wilson in, his costume completely saturated in blood judging by the way the outfit squelched with his every movement and the thick coppery stench in the air. Steve pulls away from Phil reluctantly, tired of Deadpool already.

Wade wasn't related to Coulson at all, nor was he adopted by the man, but with the way the senior agent had personally overseen the young man's first few missions, as well as their shared penchant for junk food, unconventional fighting moves, and Captain America trading cards, most SHIELD operatives simply assumed that they were father and son. Wade certainly did nothing to dispel the myth, habitually calling Coulson "Dad" enough times to make some agents grumble under their breaths about nepotism, though it was hard to argue against the effectiveness of sending Deadpool on suicide missions. And while Steve trusts Phil to make sound judgement, he can't help but find Wade a bit...unhinged.

Wade bounds in, tracking bright red footprints on the floor, with blood sluicing down his suit in thick rivulets, as he grins broadly at the two.

Scratch that: extremely unhinged.

"Dad! Steve! Didja see what I did? No wait, back up-- Dad, did you see what STEVE did?" Wade tosses a rolled up newspaper, soggy with blood on one end at Phil, who catches and unfurls it in one smooth move, to see a picture of Steve slicing off of what appeared to be a electrified zombie version of President Truman taking up half of the front page.

Steve tilts his head up to stare pointedly at the ceiling, a hand scrubbing at his face in frustration.

"Captain America was just telling me about this," Phil lies smoothly, his mouth thinning out in a flat line. The one president who ended WWII and Steve had been the one to take him down. No wonder Steve was shaken.

Still dripping blood onto the floor, Deadpool rounds up on Steve, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"That's _just so cool_ , you got to punch Hitler AND the president who recognized Israel first!"

"Wade, what was it that you wanted to tell me?" Phil cuts in before Steve had the chance to die of shame.

Deadpool shrugs, feigning modesty, "Just that Thor and I teamed up to kill a rampaging alien dinosaur in Flatiron! Well, he mostly let me tag along and didn't hit me with Mjolnir right away, so I think this might mean we could have a series or something soon!" Wade enthused, "Then we got eaten by the dinosaur and I came up with the plan to slice our way out of there and then Thor told me not to tell anyone that we worked together, but I think he's just _shy_ that he could partner up with me."

"That's fantastic, Wade, good job," Coulson says sincerely, to which Wade beams back, before turning towards Steve, "No, but seriously, you gotta tell me how that went down! Did he call you a dumb son of a bitch? And of course you had to have told him how hard he sucked dealing with the Korean War and the whole thing with the A bomb--"

"Wade..." Phil says slowly, his brain slotting together a plan, "how would you like to take Captain America's place?"

"On the Avengers' softball team?"

"To handle all the dead presidents." Coulson elaborated. "You could track them down and er, lead them back to their rightful places."

"Six feet under?"

"...yes." Phil relents.

Wade gapes at Coulson for a full minute, "for real? I mean-- seriously? Me? And who else?"

"All you, Wade," Phil replies, appealing hard to Wade's desire to play hero.

Wade surges forward and grabs Phil tightly in a hug, lifting the man a few inches off the ground. The agent fidgets, the damp, warm blood seeping uncomfortably into his jacket and dress shirt.

"You won't regret this, Dad," Wade blathers energetically, beyond thrilled, "I'm gonna rekill those guys so hard, they'll be reciting their inauguration speech backwards!" He lets go of Phil and storms up to Steve, a hand held high. "Tag me in, Cap!" Steve tugs off a glove and reluctantly slaps Wade's hand, dried blood flaking off his hand at the contact.

"What kinda take out are you getting tonight?" Wade yells, jogging backwards out of the office.

"Indian!"

"Then I want two chicken tikki masala platters!"

"Wade! Report to Agent Preston first--!" Phil calls out from behind him, though by that time, Wade was already out of earshot.

Steve stares at Phil. On one hand, not having to deal with zombie presidents was great, on the other, Deadpool of all people was expected to step in.

"It'll be alright," Phil smiles, as if already expecting the turmoil going on in Steve's head, getting up on his tiptoes to press a kiss on Steve's jaw without staining his suit with his own, "Wade can handle this."

"I'm certain he can," Steve sighs, a tired smile alighting on his face. "I'm just not sure America will be able to handle _Wade_."


	2. Cyrus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GENTLE REMINDERS:
> 
> 1\. Secret Avengers #1, which includes SHIELD agents Fury, Hill, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Coulson(!!!) etc. is set to be released tomorrow (2/13)! 
> 
> 2\. Latest Deadpool has him [dressed up as Marilyn Monroe to take down zombie JFK](http://www.bleedingcool.com/2013/01/23/when-deadpool-dressed-up-as-marilyn-monroe-and-flashed-his-penis-at-jfk/).
> 
> Two words:
> 
> DEM. HIPS.

_Captain,_

_I’d like to speak with you this afternoon, 5:30 pm in my office._

_\- Agent P. Coulson_

Steve smiles down at the note, and carefully folds it, slipping it into his pocket. He rounds the last corner, until he finds himself in front of Phil's office at 5:29.

Though SHIELD and the rest of the Avengers sans Thor tried to ease Steve into the 21st century by calling or texting whenever possible, on the occasion, Phil will forgo the project and have a quick, hand-written note for him, though all work-related. Even so, in a place as technologically sophisticated as SHIELD, it was practically a love letter. Hence the small yet earnest smile Steve can’t seem to erase from his face. The gesture was sweet, and more than welcome after such a hectic month.

Steve knocks twice and steps back. Waits.

He frowns. It wasn’t like Phil to be late or forgetful so he knocks again. No response. Worried, Steve cracks open the door and peeks in, and finds someone perched on the edge of Phil’s desk, decked out in a flowy, white dress that was speckled with a splash of deep red along the hem-- a pattern that Steve highly doubts was part of the original design. He squeezes his eyes shut, fighting against every instinct to turn heel and go home.

“Aw, Cap, it’s just little ol’ me!” Wade coos, sashaying his way towards the door and pulling it open wider. “It’s rude not to stare!”

Steve highly doubts that, but musters a brave front and shuffles forward into the office.

“Right, ok. Do you know where Agent Coulson might be?” Steve asks, pulling out a slip of paper with Phil’s neat, tidy handwriting scrawled over it.

Wade now much closer, and Steve’s treated to a full display of Deadpool’s uncovered face and arms, pocked with scabs and scars and muscle tissue all out on display. A blonde wig sits on top of his head, slightly askew, and Wade subconsciously tugs at it.

“Oh yeah, that’s me.” Wade smiles, plucking the bit of stationery from Steve’s fingers and looking exceedingly proud with himself, “I forged that. How’d you like it? Took me awhile to get a good grip on all the school marm loops an’ stuff. I almost dotted the i’s with little hearts, but I restrained myself in the end.”

Steve narrows his eyes, the feeling of being duped not resting easy in his chest. “You could’ve just asked to talk--”

Deadpool’s eyes flickered up to meet his. “Would you have come?”

Steve’s lips thins out, but doesn’t try to lie.

Wade shrugs, “No, no dude, I understand--we’re not all that well acquainted and what not, and I wouldn’t have sprung this on you, but it’s kinda time-sensitive and all.”

“What is?”

“Y’know, just...you and Phil.”

“What about me and Agent Coulson?” Steve snaps, admittedly a bit more harshly than he intended. He never formally discussed it with Phil, how comfortable he was with telling others that they were seeing each other -- finding time to even see the other man had been hard enough. Still, he didn't think that they had done anything in public that would have given away their relationship.

Deadpool crosses his arms and pouts, “Aw, don’t go all Harrison Ford-sy on me, Cap. It’s just that--y’know.” A shrug. “He’s happy now. Really happy.”

Steve stays silent, but his heart skips just a bit. “You think so?”

“To be honest, I’m a little disappointed--” Steve shoots him a glare, and Deadpool quickly backpedals, “not at you guys! Yeesh, cut me a break. Just that it took me so long to figure it out on my own ‘cause I thought the reason he was suddenly so busy all the time AND happy was that he was working more, not that he was getting dic--”

“Deadpool.”

Wade sits back on the desk and hikes the skirt further up his legs, revealing a pair of particularly hairy and scarred calves.

“Relax, Cap, I’m not here to _Cyrus_ you. I like Phil being happy-- it’s a good look on him. I just thought I could help. Dad’s not exactly an open book, kinda hard to figure out sometimes. Like, he’s got a bit of a romantic streak in him-- tells people his favorite movie is _The Magnificent Seven_ but I've seen him watch _Sleepless in Seattle_ enough times for that to be entirely true.”

Steve takes his time opening his mouth, trying to figure out the best way to pacify Deadpool-- “Thank you for being...supportive. But I think that I’d like it if I found these things out by myself--”

Wade cuts him off, "Uh, yeah-- no. Believe it or not, I really do have a legitimate reason for getting you to talk to me, ‘cause see, today’s--”  


The door clicks. Steve and Wade turns around to find Phil walking in, his head down as he skims through a thick volume of a report.

“Happy birthday, Mr. President!” Wade chirps, flouncing towards Phil to wrap his arms around him and plant a messy kiss on the agent’s cheek. Phil laughs, and Steve is left rooted to the floor.

Oh.

“You looking stunning, Wade,” Phil compliments, as Wade twirls his hips, the dress billowing out dramatically.

“Sorry I couldn't do the whole upskirt thing-- I went down to the basement to get IT to lend me a fan-- but they told me to go jump off a bridge but I already did that this week,” Deadpool sniffs, “I’ll make it up to you though! How’d you like a totally, 100% authentic Lincoln hat? That is, when I rekill him.”

“Check with Agent Preston first--”

“Awww,” Wade whines, “she threw out my issue of _Seventeen_ when I went to kill Hoover and the gang. How am I supposed to get her to let me keep something like that?”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to charm your way into it, Wade,” Phil says, as he turns his head, grinning as he locks eyes with Steve, “Hello, Captain.”

Steve smiles back, but it’s strained, as he furiously tries to keep the swirling miasma of guilt that’s churning in his stomach from being broadcasted on his face. 

Instead, he merely crosses the room and side-stepping Wade and his skirt twirling, leans to kiss Phil on the mouth. He waits half a second for a cat-call or an inappropriate remark, but hearing none, breathes a quiet, “Happy Birthday” onto Phil’s lips. Phil smiles in turn.

“Thank you,” Phil starts, a little embarrassed, “this is a bit of a surprise, actually, I didn’t think you knew that today was my birthday.”

Wade sidles up next to Steve, leaning against the Avenger. “Of course he knew. Cap here is taking you to out to dinner, Dad. Made reservations and everything.”

Phil’s eyes light up. “You did?”

Deadpool jams a hard elbow into the side of Steve’s ribs.

“Sure did,” Steve grits out. Wade merely smiles next to him, as he slips a small card into Phil’s hands. Steve only has a cursory glance, but at least caught what appeared to be an address on the card before it’s tucked away into a breast pocket in Phil’s suit.

Wade shoots forward and rips the binder of reports out of Coulson’s hands, throwing it haphazardly behind him, just barely making the desk. “Alright then, out out out! They’ll give away your table if you’re not there by 6:30!”

Phil checks his watch. HIs expression hardens. “It’s already five minutes to six.”

“Where is this place?” Steve hisses at Wade, to which the mercenary glibly admits, “Allllllll the way on the other side of Manhattan, so move it!” as he gives the two one final shove out of the office, then blows a sloppy kiss at them before slamming the door. A bit of his skirt gets stuck in the door, but quickly disappears as Deadpool pulls it free.

Steve’s gaze slides towards Phil, who merely cocks his head towards the end of the hall and throws in a wink, “One last impossible thing to do today. You ready, Captain?”

"What are you thinking--" Steve starts, but Phil grabs his hand, and sprints down the bullpen with Steve in tow. A flash of panic races through Steve as he looks down at their interlaced hands, but Phil merely tugs harder without any indication of letting go, and Steve's heart swells, and he surges forward, past all of their coworkers, right behind Phil every step of the way.


End file.
